Back to the Start
by Ellsweetella
Summary: ""I will sign the papers but…" She takes in a deep breath. "From tomorrow until Christmas, could you… hug me at least once a day?" she shrinks into her chair, feeling smaller than ever." Future AU. Angsty Christmas fic
1. Prologue

**A/N: A short introductory to the story. Some background information: Beckett and Castle has been married for six years and have a daughter, Joanna (Four) and a son, Raymond (Two). **

**Divorce probably don't work that way but please ignore real life procedures for the fic haha! **

**This story is inspired by a cheesy chinese divorce ad. Enjoy!**

…..

Prologue

_December 19 2020_

Kate Beckett often wonders how their marriage would end up like this-unnervingly silent. They barely talked. Their days are filled with fussing over their children and trying to avoid unnecessary conversation with each other. She leaves for the precinct in the morning, he takes care of the children and writes. She comes home at night, he has dinner set up and they eat in silence. They take their turns telling their children bedtime stories, take their turns tucking them in and kissing them goodnight and retreat to their room. They sleep on the same bed yet it feels as though they are oceans apart.

Silence. That is their marriage.

She assumes that the ending of her marriage is caused by assumptions.

He assumes that she will die on them and she assumes that he understands her work, her duty.

He assumes she will be free without him and she assumes he will be happier without her.

He assumes that has stopped loving him and she assumes he has stopped loving her.

The assumptions have led to the cold silence that settled between them, building a wall none of them could break. As the days stretched into months and soon a year, the wall thickens and builds upon itself, and all they could do was watch as they drift further and further apart, until no words are left between them. She wishes she could pinpoint the exact moment their relationship started to slow down. It will be easier than, to know where she had gone wrong, where they had gone wrong.

Is this the end?

All these years? All these memories? All the time they went through together?

Their always. Is this how it goes down in flames?

Kate Beckett stares at the divorce paper in front of her. It looks vulgar, glaring back at her with disdain.

She can't… She can't let their marriage collapse like this. Not this way.

There has to be a form of closure. Every book needs an ending and so does their marriage. It needs a proper closure, not some whimper and definitely not this cold, harsh silence.

"Can I… Can I ask for something?" she whispered, finally finding her voice.

He is silent.

"Yes," he answers after a long while.

"I will sign the papers but…" She takes in a deep breath. "From tomorrow until Christmas, could you… hug me at least once a day?" she shrinks into her chair, feeling smaller than ever.

The silence fills the air once more.

"Yes."

She smiles a little, a small lift to her downturned lips.


	2. Chapter one: The beginning of the end

**A/N: Thank you for the follows, favourites and reviews!**

Chapter One: The Beginning of the End

_December 20 2020_

Kate once read that love was like a rubber band. When one end is released, the other end would be hurt. But as the rubber band is stretched beyond its breaking point, it would snap and in the end, none of them will go out unscathed.

She guesses that it is their situation now, tethering on a thin line, ready to snap.

She looks at the yellowed paper in her hands. Her first poem she wrote as an official member of the Castle family. It was the beginning of her married life.

She had taken quite a while to write the poem. She was no writer, no poet, words didn't seem to come to her as well as she had hoped. She could not paint beautiful imageries about her love, she could not liken him to the moon or to the sun but she could use the simplest of words to convey the strong, intense love she had inside.

She knew-knows-the importance of the tradition. To Castle, family is everything. You can hurt him, tear him down, destroy him but you can never touch his family. And she, she was fortunate enough to be part of his family, even if it wasn't forever.

She traces the words she wrote.

Funny, how it was the beginning of the end.

She sits at her old desk and waits. Detectives bustle past her.

10 pm.

And she waits.

_Kate Beckett glared at the empty piece of paper. She disliked herself at that very moment. The emotions she held could not be translated into words. For that moment, she understood Rick's moans of writer's block._

_She checked the clock._

_2 a.m._

_She really needed to write the poem._

_But as Richard Castle said, some space and rest might fuel the writing mind. So she decided to put down her pen and take a small breather._

_She found Castle lying on their bed, deep in slumber. He did not realise it but he was often tense in his sleep. It felt as though all the tension surfaced when he was at his most vulnerable state. She wondered what dreams he had, if he were dreaming._

_She touched the crease between his eyebrows._

_He had been running around, trying his very best to unravel the mystery, to find answers to the case._

_That was who he was, righteous, determined, stubborn._

_He was even an honorary mobster, a fact Kate did not know how she should react to._

_This man, this infuriating man was the one who threw himself into dangerous situations together with her. Sometimes she wondered what had she done to deserve someone like him. He was more than she could ever hope for. To have someone like him love her, she was more than lucky._

_And she loved him, with all her heart, with every fibre of her being, down to each atom that made her up._

_And the feelings translated into words and she found herself jotting down the random words that formed in her mind._

_Just a little more._

_The poem, it was simple but it got her message-her feelings-across. And that was enough, she supposed._

The clock ticks.

Kate takes in a deep breath. Will he show up? It was, well, it is preposterous of her. Her request had taken her by surprise, not to say her soon to be ex-husband.

She wonders if he would meet her here.

She wonders.

_Kate Beckett was often calm, even when she was facing the most notorious killers. But at that moment, she felt that her legs would snap under her weight,and her heart was in her throat._

_She took in a deep breath and caught hold of Castle. With excitement dripping off her fingertips, she recited her poem to him, anticipating his response._

_He was acting rather strangely that night but with her giddiness from all the anticipation, she had pushed her doubts aside. She did not think much of it, allowing her excitement from her marriage and Christmas took over. Christmas was never something she looked forward to since her mother's death but with Castle, she was starting to like it. She was enjoying the holidays. _

_Christmas felt magical, almost surreal. And yet, she supposed (again), that it was the beginning of the end._

_The next day he was gone from the precinct._

"Sorry I'm late." She hears his voice and turns, getting up from the chair.

"It's fine," she smiles and smooths her clothes. Silence, once again, filled up the space.

He runs a hand through his hair, an obvious sign of discomfort. Once upon a time, there was not an inch of discomfort between the two of them. Now, they could barely look at each other in the eye.

"So, the precinct," he starts, his eyes darting around the room. Christmas decorations litter the precinct, giving it a sense of cheerfulness. The party has ended a few days ago, with the detectives pampering their children, showering them with gifts. Jo and Ray are little starlets in the precinct, loved and cherished by all.

"It all started here," she is soft, "when a killer started copying your works thirteen years ago."

"And everything was history." He concludes.

"I hated your guts back then and I never thought that one day, well, I would fall in love with you just like how I fell in love with your words."

"What do you want Kate?"

His words sting.

"Remember the poem I wrote for you six years ago?" She is louder now, a hopeful smile on her face. She doesn't know what she was doing. She wanted to let go of their relationship, not… Not this.

"This has been an epic year

Life's been full of joy and tears.

Solving crimes and catching killers-"

"Just like Castle's famous thrillers," he continues, his eyes avoiding hers.

"We share a passion every day."

"As partners go we are here to stay," they speak in unison, the words heavy above them. Their eyes meet and time seems to stand still. For a moment, she thinks she feels a spark, something that might ignite the frozen flames between them. These words are a secret vow she made to herself. She promised that she would be by his side as long as time permitted.

Maybe time is up.

"Hug me, Castle," she whispers.

He slowly draws her into a hug, his hands awkwardly on her back, like he is trying to hold a bagful of released puppies, not quite sure where to put his hands.

She silently breathes him in as she closes her eyes, allowing his scent to surround her. She misses this, misses his hug, misses his words, misses his scent.

Five more days to christmas. Five more days to their divorce.

It is the beginning of the end.

No, it has already started years ago.


	3. Chapter two: Creeping in

**A/N: Thank you for all the reviews! I greatly appreciate them.**

Creeping_In_

_21 December 2020_

"Kate! Sorry I'm late," Alexis apologises as she sits at their table.

"It's fine. I've just arrived too," Kate smiles. "Is hot chocolate alright with you?"

"You can never go wrong with hot chocolate," Alexis grins, the happiness not quite reaching her eyes.

They make small talk, both going around the topic, never quite going straight to point. They don't know how to start; how to bring up a compulsory topic that they both desperately want to avoid.

In the end, they discover that they can no longer avoid it. There are things that have to be said.

"Kate, I-"

"Lexi, I-"

They blush slightly.

Kate gestures for Alexis to go first.

"Is there... Is the divorce a must?" It is then did Kate realise the full extent of the impact their divorce would make, not only to themselves and their children, but also to their loved ones.

"I..." She has no answer to the question. Is the divorce inevitable? She might think so. But is anything truly inevitable? There must be a way to stop the future, to change its course. Then again, she is not a romantic. As much as she hopes that the end is not a must, she knows that for now, at least, it is for the best. They need the space for them to rediscover themselves and each other.

Alexis' eyes drop.

"I thought..." She trails off. _I thought that you will be different. _

"You thought?"

"Nothing," Alexis forces a smile. Kate bites her lower lips, not knowing what to say.

"What about the children?"

"We agreed on a shared custody. It's... Better that way." This conversation physically hurts.

Alexis nods.

"Lexi, I just want to let you know that even if we're divorcing, it doesn't mean... Doesn't mean I'm not going to be here for you. I-If you are willing to have me as a friend."

"Thank you, Kate," she squeezes the detective hand. "I want you to be happy too, with or without my father."

"Thank you," there are unshed tears in Kate's eyes. Through the years, she has seen Alexis as her own daughter. She loves her as her own and cannot be any prouder on how she has grown and mature into her own woman.

However, Kate can't shake the feeling that she has let Alexis down.

"My father still loves you," it is a whisper.

Kate lowers her eyes, unable to form the words she long to say. _I still love him too._

The silence that follows is unbearable.

"Is there anyone special in your life?" Kate asks, trying to keep the mood lighter.

Alexis blushes, almost as red as her hair. Kate grins, mischief in her eyes.

"So who is it?"

Alexis turns away as her blush deepens. "Cheyenne," she mumbles.

Kate's grin widens. "The one with the short hair and an impossible cute smile?"

Alexis nods.

"Tell me more," Kate sits up straight, her eyes sparkling for the first time in a long time.

...

"Muuuum," Kate hears Joanna once she steps into the loft.

"Hey Jo," Kate picks up the four-year-old who barrels herself into Kate.

"Dad is being all lazy again," Jo pouts, her eyebrows furrowed in discontent.

"I think you are wearing him out," Kate laughs, knowing the full extent of Joanna's energy. Joanna takes after her father in many ways, including his never ending supply of energy.

"What did you do today?"

"Laser tag! And we went to the park with Ray," Joanna half-shouts, her excitement evident. She jumps off her mother's arms and dashes into her father's office.

"Daaaaad! Mum's back from lunch with Lexi!" She announces and leaps onto her father.

"Welcome home," he mutters.

She smiles weakly in response.

Joanna starts babbling to Kate about her day out with Castle, her tiny arms flailing happily. She has Martha's dramatic flair too, doesn't she?

Castle awkwardly sits at his chair watching his soon-to-be ex wife and their daughter. For a moment, he wishes that they can go back to the start, when they could talk about nothing and everything, when the walls between them are almost non-existant.

Joanna let out a long yawn, stretching her hands out wide.

"Time to have a nap, little bug," Kate laughs and carries Joanna, despite the fact that she is, indeed, already too big and heavy for such pampering.

"Not yet," she whimpers, sighing into her mother's shoulder, her eyes already closing.

Kate lets out a light laugh and carries her daughter to her room. "Sleep tight little bug," she whispers and kisses her forehead.

"Don't go, mama," Joanna whimpers, tears brimming in her eyes. She is still holding onto Kate's blouse even when she's asleep.

"I will never leave you," Kate says, choking back her tears.

It must be hard on their children, especially Joanna, who is mature before her age, who thinks she can carry the weight of the world on her little shoulders. In many ways, she reminds her of Alexis.

Raymond is too young to fully comprehand what was going on but Joanna can. She may not understand the reasons behind the divorce but she understands what a divorce is. Or at least, she knows that mama and papa will not be living together anymore.

As a mother, she is a failure. She isn't able to protect her children from pain. She is the one who inflicted the pain.

She closes the door and leaves. It is never easy.

...

"Castle, can we talk?" She raps on his door and asks.

"Yes." He invites her in.

"Joanna is growing up nicely isn't she?"

"Yea. She is."

Silence.

"She was a tough pregnancy though," she laughs, remembering the sleepless night she had.

"Weird cravings too," he smiles at the memory of him rushing around finding food to feed her cravings.

"But she is a gift," she says, her eyes soft.

She had found out that she was pregnant a few days before Christmas.

_Her period was late. Two months late. She didn't suspect it at the first month. Her cycle wasn't the most regular after all, with all the stress that came with her work. But as she missed the second month, she could not help but worry. _

_So she had snuck into a pharmacy, feeling like a thief. She had absolutely no idea why there was such a wide selection of pregnancy tests. She grabbed a box from the shelves and made a mad dash to the self check-out, feeling strangely self concious. _

_As soon as she reached home, she did the test. The instructions were embarrassing to read but it did clearly explain the meaning of the results. _

_The three minutes had to be the longest in her life. _

_A plus sign clearly showed on the stick._

_She was... She was pregnant? _

_As the information sunk in, a grin slowly spread across her face. She was pregnant! Happiness burst inside of her, filling every inch of her body with an impossible joy._

_She couldn't wait to tell Rick. _

_Then, an idea formed. _

_She smirks and disinfects the pregnancy stick. _

_This shall be his Christmas gift then. She carefully packed it in a box and ties an overly extravagant bow on it. He would love it._

_When Christmas came, she pulled him down to a game of Scrabbles. She hoped that the letters she got would aid her in the plan. Thankfully, she managed to get all the required letters. _

_"Pregnant...?" He quirked an eyebrow._

_She slid the box to him. He looked at it questioningly and opened it._

_He stared at it's content, disbelief written all over his face. Her heart sunk. Did he not want-_

_She found herself being lifted up and swung around as Castle shouted with joy, his grin so wide that it seemed to connect his two ears together. _

_"You're pregnant," he breathed out._

_"I'm pregnant."_

_"You're pregnant!" He repeated, almost on the verge of a yell._

_"You're pregnant!" He shouted now. She was certain that the whole building would have heard about her pregnancy. _

_She pressed her face against his shoulder and laughed._

_They found themselves on the floor, his arms around her, laughing like they had never laughed before. _

_..._

"You told me using a pregnancy stick!" He shakes his head.

"And scrabble," she chimes in.

"How can I ever forget that?" He rolls his eyes. "It's so cliche."

"Excuse me for not being a best selling author," she retorts, sticking out her tongue.

He wrinkles his nose and sticks out his tongue in return. They stare at each other, shocked by the easy interaction.

"Hug me, Castle," she requests once more.

He holds her gently, his body no longer as tensed as the previous day.

Closure. She can feel it creeping in.


	4. Chapter 3: Third time's the charm

**A/N: Thank you for all the reviews! **

Third Time's the Charm

_22 December, 2020_

"Katherine, darling, thank you for coming," Martha presses a kiss on Kate's cheek.

"Good evening, Martha," Kate smiles at the older woman.

They sit at the table and sip on the wine Martha had served. They don't speak, enjoying each other's company for a moment. Martha, with all her dramatic flairs, do indeed enjoy some form of peace and quiet.

"So what are your plans after the divorce?" Martha is direct as ever, choosing the direct path instead of beating around the bush.

"I am moving in with my cousin, Sofia for a while. At least until I find a permanent place."

"Not that," Martha sighs. "What are your _plans _after the divorce?"

Kate doesn't know what to say. It feels as though something has lodged in her throat, refusing to leave, taking hold of her words and holding them hostage.

"I don't know," she says finally, a truthful confession of a fact she doesn't want to admit. As much as she wishes they will be better off without each other, she knows that he makes her better and she makes him better. Something had gone wrong in the equation and leaves them both hurting. She doesn't know what she will do in the future. She will continue her detective work, certainly, and be a mother to her children but other than that, she doesn't know what she will do. Maybe it's best. Maybe she can take the time to discover herself, find what she truly wants.

With or without Castle.

She finds herself tearing up, the emotions of the past year surfacing. Martha has been a mother to her and with her, she can't help but to be vulnerable, as much as she hates it. She misses her mother and she will miss Martha. She will miss every aspect of her married life, the good and the bad.

"Oh Katherine." Martha hugs her, cradling her head like how Johanna used to do. Her tears won't flow but she allowed herself to cry inside.

"What did I do wrong?" she whispers. She knows full well that the blame is not on her, not on any of them but she can't help but to wonder. "I should have-"

"Katherine, darling. Look at me," she is stern, yet gentle. Kate looks up. "It is _not _your fault. Do you understand?"

She nods and takes in a deep breath.

"Katherine, no matter what, you will always be family." Tears burn Kate's eyes.

"Thank you." Her voice is barely audible. She doesn't know what she has done to deserve such a wonderful... _Family._

"Enough of the dramatics! Now let's finish the wine Richard has bought! No stopping until we are drunk!" Martha takes a long swig of the red liquid.

Kate laughs and joins in, allowing herself to indulge in some alcohol.

...

_He was seething. His body was stiff, tense with emotions. His gaze was cold, so dark and emotionless that it sent shivers down her spine. He was like the darkest of night, the coldest winter, with haunting cold wind that settles inside of your bones, never truly leaving even if you are bundled up in clothes in front of a fire. His anger was silent and unforgiving._

_And that made her angrier. _

_She was ice, she was cold. Like him, her anger was silent too. _

_The room was stifling, the emotions creating a weight that pushed against them and strangled them. There was no space left for a hint of any positivity. The air tasted like acid. burning their throats. _

"_You almost died," he growled, his eyes flashing._

"_We've been through this," she hissed, glaring at him with all her might. _

"_You can't do this Kate. You can't just… Throw yourself in the line of danger."_

"_It is my job!"_

"_What about Jo? Ray? You almost died again Kate. Everytime... I don't want to get the phone call from Esposito telling me you are dead," he shouts, his hands balled into fists. _

"_You won't," she insisted and ran her hand through her hair, wincing at the pain that shot through her arm._

"_I can't do this Kate. I can't just sit here and worry for your safety every damn time you step out of the house!" _

_They stand there, eyes aflame with ice. She was frustrated, he was tired. This argument had dragged on for months, ever since Raymond was born. _

_She loved her job, even the danger. It was what she did best. It was her passion. He could not take that away from her. She wouldn't allow that._

"_Mum? Dad?" Joanna totters out from her room, rubbing her eyes._

_They halt. "Hey little bug, you should be sleeping," Kate forced a smile and squatted down._

_Joanna launched herself into her mother's arms and sobbed, her tiny body shaking. "I-I was scared!"_

"_I scared you huh? I'm sorry little bug," Kate pressed kisses on her daughter's head. Her daughter, her beautiful strong daughter. _

"_Ray cried! All day!" she continued to sob, pressing her face into her mother's shoulders, inhaling the familiar scent in, even if it was mixed with grime. "We wait for hours!"_

_Kate gently stroked her head, rocking her. "I'm sorry, Jo." Her cries slowly subsided as Kate comforted her._

"_Let's get you to bed."_

"_Dad too," Joanna whimpered and reached for her father. _

"_Of course," he smiled, putting on the kindest, happiest smile he could conjure. Together, they put Joanna in their bed, and kissed her goodnight. _

_They went to Raymond, who was wide awake, his eyes wide with fear, as if he actually understood everything that transpired between his parents. With some cajoling, he went back to sleep and it felt as though everything was back to normal. _

_They could pretend that everything was all right, couldn't they. _

…

She is looking through the filled photo album from 2016. She paused at the Christmas segment, a smile spreading across her face. Joanna was barely four months old, still so tiny. It is amazing how much she has grown through the years. It feels as though she is still the small baby a day ago.

The people in the photograph could be the very definition of bliss.

Lanie had snapped the picture when they weren't looking. Rick was sitting on the sofa, with Kate curled up against him. They are laughing as they watched Alexis and Martha try to entertain a unimpressed Joanna. Even as a baby, she had already perfected Kate's infamous stink eye. It must be the weird Christmas themed onesie Rick had bought for Joanna.

It is the smiles that caught Kate's eyes. Their mid-laughter smile was light hearted, innocently happy. She gets up from her feet.

The onesie must be in the loft somewhere. They had believed that it was lost, for no matter how much they tried to find it for Raymond, it never seemed to appear. Richard was disappointed but had found a new set of family sweaters for them to wear, which frankly, was far more ridiculous than that onesie.

She decides that she will go on a onesie hunt.

...

It still looks ridiculous after all these years.

She lets out a breathy laugh as she holds up the onesie she finds buried deep underneath Joanna's old crib.

"Kate?" he raps on the door.

"Hi," she smiles and holds the onesie up. "Remember this?"

His eyes sparkles with rare excitement. "I thought it was gone!'

"Apparently not! I think Joanna had stuffed it underneath her crib mattress."

"That sneaky girl," he says with pride.

"You still have not tell me where you got it from."

He blushes. "I made it," his confession is so soft she could barely catch it.

She laughs, throwing her head back, allowing her voice to be carried. It is one of her special laughs, the one that makes people feel compelled to join in.

He hugs her, laughing along.

Maybe third time's the charm.


	5. Birthday

**A/N: Sorry for the super late chapter! I had some personal stuff going on! And erm, in the chapter, I wrote that Raymond flipped over during birth. It happened to me and my brother and we caused great pain to my mum during labour haha. (Oh! I messed up the dates. I am so sorry. D:)**

Birthday

_23 December 2020_

Raymond scrunches up his face in dead concentration. His nose is all wrinkled up, reminding Kate of a little kitten trying to chase after the laser point. Raymond will most probably scream at that, preferring to be thought of as a lion.

He takes in a deep breath and his cheeks puff out.

Everyone stops and stares. Anticipation cackles in the air.

He pushes out his chest and blows with all his might, his eyes disappearing into slits. The flames on the two candles flicker but never truly extinguishing. Disappointment settles on Raymond's chubby face, his face twisting into one of a mournful puppy, with his eyes wide and glistening.

Uh oh.

Kate and Castle rushes forward and with a small puff of air from each of them, they extinguish the flames with tremendous speed. In their mini panicked state, their lips almost bumped. They pull away, a tinge of pink on their faces.

"Look! The cars are flying away!" Alexis saves the night by exclaiming with joy, distracting Raymond long enough to make him forget the fact that it was his parents who blew out the candles for him. He stretches out his arms and tries to grab the marzipan car figures Alexis is dangling in front of him.

They sigh in relief while Joanna looks at them with suspicion.

She catches Castle's eyes and they promptly burst into pelts of laughter, connected by a queer sense of humour. Soon, everyone joins in, except for the two clueless children, who are staring at them like they have all gone half-mad.

As the laughter subsides, Kate cuts the cake and Raymond serves them with the aid of Joanna. Soon, it is time for the highly anticipated present unwrapping. Kate thinks that he must be one of the luckiest around-Christmas babies. Instead of having a combined present and party, he gets to have two separate parties and two different set of presents. It doesn't hurt that everyone around him loves to spoil their little prince, showering him with all sorts of presents, ranging from toys to clothes. He already has a wide range of toys and Kate is certain that he can open his own toy shop with Joanna.

Raymond runs towards the pile of birthday presents while holding his sisters' hand.

"Sissy choose," he pulls Joanna to the small hill.

Joanna frowns, thinking rather seriously. She eyes the pile and pulls out a particular present wrapped in a blue paper with rainbows printed on it. Raymond nods in agreement and together, they carefully tear open the wrapping, revealing a brand new kitchen set from Lanie.

She gives him a little wave. "Do you like it?"

A grin breaks across his face and he nods furiously, failing to suppress his excitement.

Kate sighs, a smile on her face. This is his second kitchen set. She really has to find a way to prevent Lanie and the boys from overly pampering the children.

"Lexi! Choose!" he tugs on his oldest sister's sleeve. Alexis purses her lips and thinks, before picking up a huge box with red polka dots on it. Together, they took of the lid and reveal a humongous bear soft toy. Kate shoots a glare at Castle, who puts his hands up innocently.

"Sorry Katie," her dad gives her a sheepish grin. "I couldn't help it."

Joanna's and Raymondl's rooms are filled with soft toys of varying sizes, ranging from palm sized to are-you-sure-it's-not-a-real-giant sized. It looks like Raymond has a new addition to his collection.

The party continues on with laughter as Raymond continues his present unwrapping. He never cease to be amazed and has a look of absolute delightment with every object he has received. Not forgetting his manners with some prompting from his parents, he totters to everyone and thanked them with a shy smile.

He starts playing with the kitchen set, inviting Joanna, Sarah Grace and Alexis to be part of kitchen team. Raymond and Sarah are the chefs while Alexis and Joanna are the waitresses, much to Joanna's unsatisfaction.

As they make imaginary food to serve their "customers", the adults enter a heated discussion over the latest political situation.

"You should get into politics, Kate," Jenny suggests. "We need politicians like you. Not those greedy…" She trails off in an attempt of self censorship.

Kate shakes her head in shock, brushing her words off with a laugh. She doesn't think she is suited for the crazy world of politics but the words have been said and they have planted a seed of what-ifs inside of her mind.

The conversation changes, now focusing on family and friends, aimless gossip that provides a form of entertainment.

She averts her attention to her children and smiles.

Joanna was a difficult pregnancy but a easy birth. Raymond was an easy pregnancy but a difficult birth.

She sighs, remembering the pain.

...

_23 December, 2018_

"_Breathe!" Castle held onto her hand. She sucked in, her face dotted with sweat. _

"_I can't!" she cried. She didn't remember that it was so painful to deliver a child. Joanna's birth was painless and easy. A few pushes and she was out. _

_But now, it was hurting like hell and she was pissed. _

"_Push, babe, push," Castle tried to be encouraging. It backfired. Instead of calming his wife down, it fueled her anger as she yelled profanities at him that rendered him terrified. _

"_Shut. Up!" She screamed, her face twisting with anger and pain. "Fuck you!"_

"_You can do that later, Kate. Let's concentrate on this now," he had to say. To his defence, he was trying to crack a joke to lighten her up, only to be rewarded with a painful yank on his nose. _

"_You can do this Kate," he pushed her hair back and pressed a kiss on her forehead. _

"_The head is coming out," the doctor said. "Just a little bit more…"_

_The pain increases and Kate feels that something was not right. _

"_Kate," Castle whispers. "The baby turned."_

_Well, that explains the sudden stab of pain. _

_With a lot more screaming and cursing, Raymond was finally born._

_Kate squeezed her eyes shut, collecting herself before holding the infant in her arms. _

_He was beautiful._

_..._

_They spent Christmas in the hospital that year. As usual, Richard Castle made sure that Christmas was special. He took it upon himself to decorate Kate's room with a wide assortment of festive decors, creating a mini version of the usual decorations he set up in the loft. _

"_Merry Christmas," he whispered into her mouth as Joanna looked in disgust. She tottered to her brother, observing him curiously. _

"_Funny," she wrinkled her nose and pointed at Raymond. They burst into laughter and called Joanna over and pulled her into a big hug. _

"_You are a big sister now," Kate murmured into her daughter's hair._

"_Like Lexi?" she asked, her eyes wide with happiness._

"_Yes, just like Lexi," Castle nodded with pride. _

_Joanna cheered and bounced towards Raymond. "I protect you! Like Lexi!" she announced._

_Kate loved her family._

…

The party had ended and the children are in bed.

Kate takes a long sip of her wine, enjoying the bittersweet taste it leaves.

"Hi," she says as Castle walks in.

"Hi."

Silence.

"You should consider," he breaks the silence.

She looks at him curiously, a tad confused by his words.

"Getting into politics. You are strong, kind, have a strong sense of justice…" he trails off.

"Thank you," she smiles a little. "I will consider it."

"Good," he rubs the back of his head.

"Good night, Castle," she is soft and gentle, her eyes speaking volumes, telling tales of love and regret.

"Until tomorrow," he smiles, a smidge of disappointment snaking into his voice.

He disappears behind the door and loneliness takes her.

She closes her eyes and breathes.

A pair of warm hands envelopes her and for a moment, she thinks she is dreaming. His scent surrounds her and she breathes it in. Her eyes flutter open and there he is, in flesh and blood, holding her.

"The promise, remember?" he murmurs. She nods silently and they pull away.

The promise.


	6. The end of the journey

**A/N: Look out for the epilogue! Thank you to Alex from Castlefanfics for the Christmas ideas!**

The End of the journey

_24 December 2020_

"Santa will come?" Joanna asks, her eyes almost squeezed shut. She is using all her strength to stay awake, afraid that she will miss the elusive Santa Claus. Raymond echoes her words, the same worry on his two-year-old face.

"Of course," Kate assures them. "You have laid out such wonderful cookies for him this year."

"He will like them?"

"He will love them." Joanna breathes a sigh of relief.

"You will look out?'

"Of course I will."

"Will you kiss him again?" she asks with absolute innocence.

Kate blushes and Rick bites back a laugh.

"No I won't," she says with the best straight face she can muster.

"Good," Joanna nods and yawns loudly.

"Night night Mum. Night night dad. I love you," she says and falls straight to sleep.

"I love you too," they says in unison and tucks her in.

"Night night," Raymond manages to say.

"Night Ray," they say. "I love you."

He falls asleep in the crib, sighing in bliss.

They sneak out of their room, taking extra caution to be as quiet as possible.

"Meet in ten," she commands and zips into the secret room where they store the presents.

"Roger that!" he whispers and dashes into their room and pulls out his Santa costume.

They meet once again in the living room, with Kate glaring at him.

"Really Castle? Again?" she hisses, burying her face into her hands.

"I look great in it!" he announces with pride.

"Don't you remember? Last year?" she groans as her face burns up at the memory.

_24 December, 2019_

_Rick was wearing the Santa Costume that he claimed has been with him since Alexis was two. _

_Looking at him being all excited never failed to put a smile on Kate's face. Sure, her husband could be childish but it was one of the many reasons why she loved him. "Hi Santa," she purred, looking at him with eyes that she knew he can't resist._

"_Hi Mrs Claus," he yelped as her hand wandered down from his chest._

_She smirked and pressed herself closer to him, her other hand drawing up to caress his cheek. "Have you been naughty or nice, Mr Claus?" she murmured, her voice husky as she gives a small squeeze._

"_I-Isn't that my role?" he gives a half squeak, his eyes widening with both surprise and arousal. _

"_Hmm… We shall think about that," she nipped on his right ear. He growled in response and captured her lips once they were off his ear. Their tongues met in passion, dancing dangerously as hands roam. They were lost in the heated kiss, oblivious to their surroundings._

"_Mama?" A shocked wail tore them apart._

_Joanna was standing in front of them, tears falling. "Are you kissing Santa?" she wailed, crying without restrain. Kate did not know what to say, did not know what to think. All she knew was that she wanted a big hole to appear right underneath her so she could disappear. A black hole wouldn't be too bad either._

"_Do you not love daddy?" she sobbed._

"_No, no darling. I love daddy," Kate fought to comfort her, feeling utterly lost. She shot a look at Rick, who shrugged and with a "Ho Ho Ho", disappeared._

_How nice of him to leave her with their crying daughter who thinks her mother had cheated on her father with Santa bloody Claus._

_It took a long while to calm Joanna down and convince her that it was nothing, and she would never leave them. Kate went back to her room, seething and embarrassed._

"_I couldn't let her know Santa isn't real!" he explained._

_She rolled her eyes. "You have to make it up to me," she growled and nipped his ears. She swore that if she saw that costume one more time, she would flip. _

…

"You let her think I was kissing Santa Claus!" Kate groans, the embarrassment fresh.

"Weeell," he drags, "you diffused the situation really well and who am I? The grinch? I can't let her know that Santa isn't real!"

She rolls her eyes. "Come on then, _Santa_, time to stuff their stockings."

He nods with enthusiasm and proceeds to fill each gigantic stocking with presents. They laugh as he stumbles, as _she _stumbles, as they fumble in the dark, too afraid to turn on the lights in fear that Joanna will appear.

"Quiet," she laughs, as he loses his balance once more.

"You are the one laughing," he suppresses his laughter.

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are!"

They glare at each other.

And they giggle at their silliness, finding a way to grope in the dark without tripping over the various knick knacks. They are enjoying their tasks and the company. She misses their bickering and his laughter. They were all she ever wanted. They are soon finished and it leaves her with a gaping disappointment. These few days have been the happiest she has ever been the past few months. Seeing him laugh, seeing _herself_ laugh have been liberating. She thinks she is ready now, to let go and find herself.

He trips, falling straight into her arms like a scene from a cheesy romance novel. She pulls him up straight, preparing to pull away. He holds onto her hand, his warmth burning through her as he pulls her into a hug.

"Merry Christmas," she whispers into his ears and pulls away from their embrace. Their eyes lock and it feels as though a spell has been cast over them, clouding their judgements and amplifying their tucked away emotions. For a moment, she feels as though they are going to kiss, his lips dangerously close to hers. Something draws them together, two unlike poles of magnets attracted to each other. Their lips meet, soft and sweet. They are lost in the kiss, allowing themselves to indulge in it. With a sweep of his tongue, Kate parts her lips and their tongues meet. It had been so long. She misses his lips, misses his taste, misses him, misses them.

Oh, she loves him. She will always love him.

The clock strikes twelve and like Cinderella, the spell is broken. The gown turns into rags, the horses and horsemen into mice and cats.

They spring away from each other, their lips tingling from their kiss.

"I have signed the papers. This Christmas, you are free," she whispers and instantly regrets them. She holds back her tears and hands him the papers. "See you."

She gives him a small wave and walks away, making sure that he can't see her face. Hot tears roll down her cheeks. She let them fall. She sucks in a deep breath, trying to collect her composure.

"Kate," he calls out. She spins around. There is a unreadable expression in his eyes. Love? Tenderness? Sadness? All three? "Can I hug you again tomorrow?" he asks, a blush creeping up his face.

"We will see about that Castle," she smiles.

He grins, his eyes sparkling with joy. "You know, I haven't filed the papers yet!"

She laughs.


	7. Epilogue: Back to the Start

**A/N: This is the end! Thank you for sticking with me. **

Epilogue: Back to the Start

_November 10, 2021_

The breeze is cold but comforting. She pulls her coat closer to her chest and sweeps back the escaped hair. A smile dances on her lips as she sees Castle standing at the spot they were married at seven years ago.

"Hey, sorry I'm late," she greets him with a smile.

"For you," he hands her a bouquet of flowers with a shy, charming smile.

"Sunflowers," she grins.

"Your favourite."

"So what brings us here?" She tucks a strand of hair behind her ears and looks at him. He hasn't changed much, his eyes still that clear shade of blue.

"We were married here," he tries to start. "Seven years ago."

She hums. "The first time we tried, you were kidnapped."

He laughs. "The second time ended up in…" he trails off.

"The vows, I mean them," he says earnestly. "Even till now. I really do."

She looks at him, tears swimming in her brown eyes. "I know," that is all she manages to say.

"The moment we met, my life became extraordinary. You taught me more about myself than I knew there was to learn. You are the joy in my heart. You're the last person I want to see when I close my eyes. I love you, Katherine Beckett, and the mystery of you is the one I want to spend the rest of my life exploring. I promises to love you and be your friend and your partner in crime and life till death do us part—and for the time of our lives," he takes her hands in his and says with all his heart, with all his emotions, with all his love.

She blinks back the tears. "The moment that I met you, my life became extraordinary. You taught me to be my best self, to look forward to tomorrow's adventure. When I was vulnerable, you were strong. I love you, Richard Castle, and I want to live my life in the warmth of your smile and the strength of your embrace. I promise you I will love you. I will be your friend and your partner in crime and in life. Always," she whispers. Their vows are etched in her mind, never leaving, never fading. She wishes she is able to keep to them but she failed. She failed, didn't she?

He sinks down on one knee, still holding her hands. "Katherine Houghton Beckett, would you give me another chance? Can we, get back to the start, allow me to discover you again, to discover us again."

She thinks she might burst from the onslaught of happiness and love. "Yes," she whispers. "Yes. I would like that."

"Yeah?" He looks at her with such excitement and hope that it makes her laugh.

"Yeah," she smiles at him and sniffs back the cruel tears.

"Maybe third time's the charm," he laughs.

"Maybe we just have to go back to the start," she presses her forehead against his and the smiles on their faces are beautiful, just like the bouquet of sunflowers, bright and big, lighting up the world.


End file.
